The following is a work of fiction and political satire. None of this is true. However, if you have a sensitive stomach, or are a Liberal, or just don’t get most jokes you hear, you may want to avoid reading this piece. But you are welcome to anyhow.
Barack Obama, in an unprecedented sweep of all Democratic Party state caucuses and primaries thus far, handily beat the undeterred Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania Tuesday. Said Clinton “Pennsylvanians are a bunch of idiots!”. Clinton’s husband was seen consoling his wife and asked if the media would kindly give Hillary some time to recover.
Obama spoke clearly and concisely this morning about his vision for tax reform and job stimulus to help ensure that all could share in the American Dream. Obama went on to say:
“We all share a common dream, a common need, a common heartbeat in life. When one of us hurts, we all hurt. When any of us loses hope, we may have little to depend on but our faith, our rights, and in our bitterness we may be driven to take out our anger on others. I can’t imagine the depth of despair our fellow citizens in Pennsylvania feel when entire towns are left with no commerce and have to find new ways to maintain even the most basic needs of the community. But all of us Americans want to help you rebuild your lives.
“As President, I will continue the economic programs that I sponsored in Congress, and will ensure that small businesses and large will be provided the incentives they need to stay in the communities they are already flourishing in, and to target the communities with the most needs for future growth. We will ensure there is adequate training and opportunity for individuals, families, communities, to grow and be the best they can be without the Government them how to live, what career to have, or providing free cash to solve every problem.
“I will make sure we have access to the best markets, that “Made In USA” are words that drive consumers to buy American products, and I will provide every motivation possible to businesses to ensure they use the skills and integrity of Americans first. We may keep our market open to the products of other countries, but our mission will be to lead American Business, the American Consumer, and Global Consumers to make the American Choice the First Choice.
“Like anyone, I’ve made my share of mistakes, and I made an insensitive comment recently about “clinging to guns and religion”. I could say I was misunderstood. I could just keep saying the same thing and try to convince you I meant something I didn’t. I’ll admit, instead, that I was careless in the words I used, and had some prejudices influencing my thoughts. But please let me assure you, I mean the best. I know that what I said, while it sounded elitist, probably applies to me more than anyone. I know that in tough personal times, I can cling to the things that give me comfort. That includes my faith. That includes my family. That includes those who have supported me over the years. That include my ideals, standards and principles. Just because we don’t cling to the same things, doesn’t make us so different.
“Finally, I will reach out once again to my opponent. Hillary Clinton is a leader of high moral character and deserves our continued respect and appreciation for her service. We differ on very little, and I continue to offer her the opportunity to share in this revival of the American experience with us as my running mate.
“Good night, God Bless, and God Bless the United States of America!”
As part of the new generation of Reagan Democrats, Barack Obama is expected to handily beat his Republican opponent Ron Paul. Paul has been riding on white supremacy sentiment within the Republican Party, but has had little impact on independents and has provided few new program ideas other than an isolationist agenda, returning to the Gold Standard, and legalizing marijuana. Polls currently put Obama against Paul at 68% to 24%.
There is stuff that’s so weird you have to make it up.